Posts Tagged ‘Breast’

POWER OUTRAGE – (humor)

February 26, 2010

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of “Guilty with an explanation…” The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.

“Your Honor,” I said, “I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: ‘Hi! I’m Belinda!’ This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, ‘All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?’

I’m thinking, ‘Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.’ Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, ‘Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?’

‘Fine’, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! ‘Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.’ Belinda said, and headed for the door.

‘Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?’ I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, ‘Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.’

Before I could shout ‘NOOOO!’ she disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me… half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite ‘Hi, how’s it going’ type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible ‘Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.’

‘You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, ‘Oh, I am sooo sorry!’ The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?’

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….”

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said ‘Case Dismissed!!’

Barbie’s letter to Santa – humor

January 5, 2010

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,  and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it).

So, here’s my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.  I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite)

3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;

6. A sports bra…to wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a hooker….for goodness sake!

8. A new, more 2009 persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie”, sporting a removable Nicotine patch and equipped with several packs of gum;

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 42 years–I think I deserve it; Ok, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Up yours truly,
Barbie


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