Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

President’s Day

March 3, 2011

I was eating lunch today with my 10 year old grandson when his mom asked him “What is tomorrow?”

He said “It’s President’s Day”

She asked “What does that mean?”…. I was waiting for something profound…

He said “President’s Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment.”

I almost snorted my iced tea.

An internet prayer

March 26, 2010

Dear Lord,

This past year you have taken my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite singer, Michael Jackson and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays.

I just want you to know that Obama is my favorite President.

Amen….

Center for Disease Control issues a warning – (humor)

March 13, 2010

New virulent strain of this old disease…..

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It’s pronounced “Gonna re-elect ‘im.” The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum.

Many victims contracted it in 2008, but now most people after having been infected for the past 1-2 years are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is. It’s sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out! You take the first dose/step in 2010 and the second dosage in 2012 and simply don’t engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folks you really care about.

Late Night Obama Bashing

March 13, 2010

Late Night Obama Bashing

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
— Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

— Conan O’Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

— Jay Leno

Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.

The other is for housing prisoners.
— David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean

and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
— Jimmy Fallon

Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

— Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

— David Letterman

POWER OUTRAGE – (humor)

February 26, 2010

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of “Guilty with an explanation…” The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.

“Your Honor,” I said, “I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: ‘Hi! I’m Belinda!’ This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, ‘All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?’

I’m thinking, ‘Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.’ Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, ‘Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?’

‘Fine’, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! ‘Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.’ Belinda said, and headed for the door.

‘Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?’ I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, ‘Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.’

Before I could shout ‘NOOOO!’ she disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me… half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite ‘Hi, how’s it going’ type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible ‘Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.’

‘You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, ‘Oh, I am sooo sorry!’ The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?’

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….”

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said ‘Case Dismissed!!’

I Owe My Mother (humor)

February 20, 2010

1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about…”

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught  me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother  taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF  LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My  mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught  me about RECEIVING .
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20.  My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Win tickets to the SUPER BOWL! (Humor)

February 1, 2010

Answer the following questions to win tickets to the 2010 Super Bowl on February 7th.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?
6. Which two just finished a joint?

I guess you’re not going either…

RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

January 21, 2010

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.


5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”


8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”  The driver said, “No, jump in!”

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always’.

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”  I said, “Dust!”

Can’t you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn’t have to start with a four letter word.

It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, “And May God Bless” with a big smile on his face.

Not my $50 – humor

January 5, 2010

I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people…” Her parents beamed.

“Wow…what a worthy goal,” I told her. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me. Made my day!

Barbie’s letter to Santa – humor

January 5, 2010

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,  and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it).

So, here’s my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.  I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite)

3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;

6. A sports bra…to wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a hooker….for goodness sake!

8. A new, more 2009 persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie”, sporting a removable Nicotine patch and equipped with several packs of gum;

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 42 years–I think I deserve it; Ok, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Up yours truly,
Barbie


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